At 6:20 pm Saturday evening Admiral passed away.
It began with seizing that had him screaming in pain. I rushed him to the emergency vet who, after a quick examination, told me that he did, indeed have aggressive lymphoma. In two days it had spread to the lymph nodes under his front arms and hind legs. She was also able to appreciate a very large mass in his stomach.
We called the on call Canine Cancer person at Mississippi State, the experts in the Southeast, and were told that there was nothing to be done. He would most likely die from a heart attack or some other organ failure in order to compensate for his pain.
It was the worst and hardest decision I have ever made in my life, but I knew the humane thing to do would be to let the Admiral go in as pain free a way as possible.
I kept telling him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. And I watched as his eyes clouded over and I heard his last breath- a slow sigh. Immediately I was overwhelmed by guilt and grief. The vet began telling me these horrible stories of other dogs that had lymphoma and it just infuriated me. I didn’t want to hear it.
I have been up for most of the night freaking out. I just don’t know what to do with myself. If I think about Admiral, his face, his personality, his love, I just loose it. He had just turned 6 years old a month ago.
His brother, Charlie, has kept away from me. Mostly because of my crying. But I can’t help but think he has some sort of dog intuition telling him to stay away from me. That I am a dog killer.
And what really, really sucks is that in all of this GM is useless. I had to bring her to the vet since it was too late to get a sitter for her and because everything was so sudden and new she couldn’t retain any of it. She kept asking me why we where at the vet. And as he was lying on the table in pain she kept pushing him, trying to wake him up. But that just totally upset me.
I hate being alone with this grief. I hate that the only person that has hugged me has been the receptionist at the vet. I hate that I keep looking for him, listening for him. I am destroyed.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh my god, Cali, I am so, so sorry. This is such a terrible, awful loss for you. I know I’m a stranger, but I’m also a pet-owner & would hug you in person if I could. Please do try to take care of yourself during this hard, hard time. Sending you lots of gentle thoughts…
I am so sorry too, words are so inadequate in times like these, just please know that your ” friends” are thinking of you and wishing that they could send you a hug. I am a huge animal lover, and you did the right thing of course, you were a loving pet owner, and admiral and you were lucky to have the time together that you did have, and instead of feeling guilty ( because there is nothing to feel guilty about, you did all the right things) JUST TRY TO REMEMBER that he had a good life. and he was happy. and he was loved, no dog could ask for more. I hope you find some peace, in time. sending you good thoughts as well ( and praying for your IUI to be a BFP!!! )
i am so sorry sweetie .. do not blame yourself. he had a good life. you could have not known that anything was wrong if he was acting ok. this happned to me . with my dog. she acted fine looked good up to the end and then got lumps and started acting funny . i took her to the e.r vet and they said advanced cancer. so i had her put to sleep as i held her i dont think i have ever cried that much from guilt and sadness.
but you are a wonderful person and a great person. keep that in mind!
lot of hugs to you..
Oh Cali, I am so, so sorry. I know exactly how hard it is to choose to let a pet go in order to ease his pain from a terminal illness. And I know how it feels to have it all happen so completely utterly quickly. I would give you a hug. I would hold you. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this alone. You did the right thing. Charlie’s probably avoiding you out of his own confusion and grief.
hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs
I’m so sorry. Losing a pet is no different than losing any other loved one. You have to go through all the phases of grief. I believe animals have deeper senses than most give them credit for and I’m sure Charlie senses your pain and grief and is dealing with his own feelings of grief and loss. Hang in there.
Sending you hugs from New York. You did everything you could for Admiral and you did nothing wrong. Don’t torture yourself. Hoping time heals the hurt. My prayers are with you.
Oh Cali I’m so sorry. You are not a dog killer, you did what was best.((Hugs))to you.
Oh my god Cali – Wes and I are just heartbroken for you. We also know what it is like to make this decision – in 2000 we had to put M to sleep – he was the mini poodle my mother and I got together when I as 12 years old. He was not screaming, but wheezing and gasping. It was a horrible decision but the right one.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you had let him go on screaming in pain just to try to keep him alive for yourself, that would have been something to feel guilty about. You. Did. The. Right. Thing. No question. 100%.
It doesn’t make it any easier, though. The grief of losing a wonderful dog is so humungous. I am wishing you love and hugs and the healing passage of time. I am holding you and Admiral and Charlie and GM in the light. I am sorry you are physically alone with this but know that we are there with you in every virtual way we can be. I am so sorry, sweetie.
IF IT SHOULD BE
If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.
You will be sad, I understand.
Don’t let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.
We’ve had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You’d not want me to suffer so;
The time has come — please let me go.
Take me where my need they’ll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I’ve been saved.
Please do not grieve — it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We’ve been so close, we two, these years;
Don’t let your heart hold back its tears.
— Anonymous —
Oh sweetheart. That’s awful…just awful to have to go through. You did your very very best for Admiral, I know you did, and he loved you very much. I wish I could come give you a gigantic hug right now.
I’m sorry Charlie’s being distant – if he’s at all of a snuggler, I’d go scoop him up and hold him for a bit.
Remember – you did nothing (nothing!) to deserve this or cause this – there’s nothing you should’ve done differently. You saw he was sick & took him to the vet & made him as comfortable as you could. Please don’t beat yourself up – grieve, certainly, anyone would (just the idea of losing Piper makes me shudder) – but don’t blame yourself. It’s NOT your fault.
Many, many hugs.
I am so so sorry Cali. We all know you did everything you could to help Admiral. And I know he is grateful that you were so loving and caring to make the decision to take away his pain. It took much strength to do that, and now you feel empty, your strength all used up. But you will be okay again. Someday. It would be disgraceful to his memory if you didn’t laugh and smile again. That’s what Admiral loved about you, that and the great hair cuts.
{huge gigantic hugs}
My thoughts are with you.
Oh, Cali sweetie, I am so so sorry. How unbearably awful. But please know that you are NOT a dog killer. You did what was right and humane in order to ease Admiral’s suffering. You are a very good dog mom, and I’m sure Charlie is only staying away from you out of grief and confusion, not from anything else. I wish I could be there to give you a real hug. Well, lots of real hugs. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, and with GM’s not understanding it on top of everything. That must be so hard because it must be so easy to snap at GM over it just when you don’t want to. God, this is terrible. You are in my thoughts.
xoxo
Oh Cali. I’m so sorry to hear about Admiral. I, too, don’t believe that you should feel guilty for any of this. You did the best thing for him, by letting him be at peace. That’s the best any of us could do.
I’m sending you many hugs over the miles. Charlie will come around, he needs to grieve in his own way.
Just think of it this way, Admiral is up with GF, playing and jumping, and being the puppy he always was.
Oh Cali – how sad to hear this and MANY HUGS your way! I think it sounds just awful to be alone in this… and I agree with others, scoop up Charlie if he will let you and snuggle him. You definitely made the right decision, hard as it is.
((BIG HUGS!))
I’m so sorry. And so sorry that you are feeling so alone. You did the right thing, even though it doesn’t feel that way. Look after yourself. xx
Cali, I am so so sorry.
You’re not alone in spirit. We’re mourning with you and holding you and Admiral in our hearts. Is it tacky to say that I really hope his spirit will be reincarnated this cycle??
Oh Cali
(
I’m so, so sorry. What a horrible, awful thing, to lose him like that. Please don’t blame yourself. You made the bravest decision for poor Admiral, and the hardest for you, but it was the right thing.
I’m sorry too that you are having to deal with your sorrow alone, but you are in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Big sigh. A long distance and virtual hug is all that I have to offer you. xoxoxo
Oh, Cali. I am so sorry that you had to go through and lose your beloved pet this way. I am so so sorry. To see him suffer like that must have been so hard.
Know you did the right thing. He was suffering and there wasn’t anything that could be done for him. You helped ease his pain. He is no longer in pain. Oh, the poor little guy. You really helped him.
I’m sorry you felt so alone even though GM was there. Take care hon.
Cindy
Cali
I’m so sorry – only words, I know – I wish there was more I could do. I too had the same (or similar) experience and, although it has been a while, it still tugs at me. Remember that lots of people love you and are saying prayers for Admiral – you are alone only in body. As my nieces say, he is in doggy heaven, chewing on huge meaty bones, chasing cats and postmen!!! You made the inevitable a less painful experience for him – it takes courage to make such decisions.
making this decision and then being there for it is truly one of the most difficult things to do. you honored Admiral by letting him go this way. i’m really sorry, and send generous love.
I am so sorry for your loss, Cali. Sending virtual hugs your way.
cali – i’m so very sorry for your loss. i don’t know you in person but i’m a loyal reader of your blog and look forward to your posts every day. you come down so hard on yourself, even speculating that your other dog knows you are a dog killer. come on, cali… please give yourself a well-deserved break. you are kind, nurturing, thoughtful and sensitive. your dog loves you and is sad that his buddy is missing. you did the very best thing, the most loving gesture you could do for admiral. he loves you for it. i have a theory that all pets from the same family go to the same little spot in heaven so eventually they all meet up and talk about how lucky they were to be a part of your family. hang in there and give yourself a little credit. we do!!
Oh my god, I am so sorry that your little boy is gone. I know that ,for me anyway, nothing will ever compare to losing a pet. Please allow yourself all the time you need to cry and sleep and think about him. Some people don’t understand having such a bond with animals but there are plenty of us who do. Admiral is very lucky that he had a person who loved him enough to make the best decision for him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this alone.
Oh Cali, I’m so sorry. Losing a cherished pet is like losing your best friend. Please be kind to yourself – your decision was the best one for Admiral. I’m sure it was heartbreaking to make it, but you did the right thing. Take care of yourself.
Calliope I’m so sorry. A terrible and heartbreaking experience. But Admiral is no longer in pain and he was surrounded by your love when he died.
You are not a dog killer, it was a decision you made because you didn’t want him to suffer anymore, despite the pain you knew it would cause to yourself.
I wish there were more people around to hug you too. Sending you virtual hugs over the net and also making you a hot chocolate and passing you more tissues.
xxx
I am so, so sorry. I remember when I was just newly pregnant with Katie and our dear Cleo was so, so sick and I had to take her in and have her put down. But then she was out of pain. It was the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. I am sorry.
Oh, Honey, you totally did the right thing. I know it must have been the hardest thing you’ve even had to do, but as others have said, he isn’t suffering now. I wish you weren’t alone, that I could beam myself over with a bottle of something strong and my copy of “9 to 5.” You’re in my heart.
I am so sorry Cali. You did the right thing, the compassionate thing. But I know it still hurts.
Apologies and virtual hugs. I too am a stranger and a pet owner and know your pain. I’ve had to make that decision more times than I’d care to remember(even once is more than enough).
Charlie will come around. Some people might find it silly but maybe if you talk to him…
Like so many have mentioned, Admiral’s pain is over. Chosing to end his pain was the most unselfish thing you possibly could have done. I’d bet his last little sigh was actually, “Thank you.”
There are no words that can take away your pain and I think all of us here wish we could give you that hug. You are in our thoughts.
Hey Cali – there isn’t much that I can say that anyone who commented above hasn’t said yet. Just know that my thoughts are with you, and I’m truly sorry for your loss, and that I hope you’ve got a good support system in place to get you through the initial shock of losing a member of your family. Again, my thoughts are with you…..
Oh, Cali, that’s so hard. Lots of love and doggie kisses from the Family O. You did the right thing, and Admiral is smiling down at you.
Oh Cali, I’m so so so so so sorry.
When we had to put Sweet pea down, it was just about the hardest thing ever ever ever ever.
It just sucks.
I’m so sorry honey.
He’s waiting for you at the rainbow bridge. You will see him again. But until then, know how sorry I am dear. SO sorry.
Couldn’t find you via phone. I understand ? how pets can also be “children”. It’s obvious that everyone is here to support and love you. Please count me in on that, you wonderful, strong, precious lady… As always, you did the kindest thing possible. I only wish you could feel the hugs from there…
Oh Cali, I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that none of the many people posting comments here could have been there to hug you as well as the receptionist. That is so hard.
You are not alone and you are not a dog killer. You did what was best for Admiral. I have had to make that call before, too. It’s not easy, even when you know your beloved animal is suffering.
Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Admiral loves you and you clearly love him.
There’s never an easy time to lose a loved one. I’m so sorry you’re the only two legged person in the house that understands what is going on. Hugs all the way from Texas.
Oh no… Oh no no no. I’m so sorry, my girl. First of all -hug-, second of all, you are NOT a dog killer, and third, -hug again-. (I know it’s not the same, but good Lord do I want to get on a plane just to come and give you a hug.) I’m sorry– there’s no pain like this. All my love…
Cali, we are so sorry. You made the only decision you could. We, too, lost our old girl Scally today. She had liver cancer and it spread to her spleen in a matter of days. We also made the only decision available – really, Cali, there is no humane option.
I know it doesn’t make it any easier though.
Our love is with you.
There is NOTHING that compares to the loss of a child. Regardless of the path that took them from you. Or the type of baby they are to you.
I know of your loss. I. Feel. It. My has been face rust-stained by tears from the loss of someone so dear.
Please take care. I hear it gets better with time.
Missy
I’m so sorry about the loss of Admiral. Losing my cat, Bruce, was the hardest thing I ever went through. More virtual hugs to you.
I’m so so sorry. It is such a difficult decision to make, but it sounds as though you made the right one. Take care, we are thinking of you!
Oh honey… how I wish I could be there right now to give you a big hug and let you cry.
Admiral was such a loved dog. He knew it. And you did the only thing you could for him, the same that you would likely want for yourself. A quick death in his sleep, and not a painful one.
The real, true test of love is when it comes to assume a loved one’s pain so that he can rest. You took all of Admiral’s pain from him and elected to bear it yourself. No one could ask for more compassion and love than that.
I’m so sorry he’s gone, and I’m sorry Charlie is staying away. He’s grieving too, and this might be the way he handles it. He still loves you, and in his own way he would know that you did the very kindest thing that could be done. You let his brother sleep, and took away all the pain. You did exactly what a mother is supposed to do- You made it better.
Calli I’m so sorry to hear this, I have been away from the computer the whole weekend so just now I’m reading about this, I know how you feel, I had to do the same thing for my cat, but he had aids, that was debastating for me, I couldn’t stop crying for 3 days, but it was the best for him.
Admiral will be in your heart forever and you will remeber all the good times he gave you.
I hope you can find peace soon, Lots of hugs Cali, I’m really sorry
C – Just wanted to send you a hug! WE just went through this a few months ago also and my heart is still breaking. It’s an amazing thing that we can bond with those little guys so deeply. Thinking of you and sending you hugs!
puppysmama (Kim)
so sorry
((hugs))
oh, honey, i know the kind of pain a dear pet passing causes and i am so very sorry. you are so lucky to have had him for the time you did. i am so very sorry and wish you the best.
Cali,
I am sending you hugs from Florida. I know what you’re going through and it sucks so much. I am so sorry. Please feel free to send me an email if you ever want to talk. There is a horribly sad yet comforting poem called the Rainbow Bridge. When you are up for it look it up online. Once again, I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry Cali. Big hugs to you.