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Thanks so much for all of the love, hugs and suppo…

Thanks so much for all of the love, hugs and support. It really means a lot to me.

I’m still in shock and in a pretty quiet frame of mind. GM has finally registered the enormous grief that I am in and she has been very sweet: bringing me cold water and patting my hand.

I know that eventually I will climb out of the hole of sadness. I know that some day I will see Admiral again. But for now the wound has not yet scabbed.

Charlie has been snuggling with me a lot- which is very out of character for him. He keeps sticking his nose out the dog door looking for Admiral and that just breaks my heart.

Right now he is curled up at my feet which I find so touching as that is what Admiral did when I was on the computer.

oh, & something else that I noticed. At some point I got Admiral and Charlie’s collars mixed up (probably during one of their summer bath extravaganzas). I didn’t realize it until last night when I was scratching Charlie’s ears. I saw Admiral’s name and thought it was a trick of the eye. Then I realized that Charlie was wearing Admiral’s collar. I like that. I know that Charlie is not Admiral, but it just made me smile- as if Charlie had done some sort of collar magic.

I’m also trying really hard not to have those mental bargains with God & the Universe. But it is pretty hard not to feel entitled to being knocked up now. Isn’t that horrible? I keep thinking that I am somehow owed, entitled, due. I even had a day dream that my baby would have some of Admiral’s soul. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m not exactly in a rational place at the moment.

I also can’t stop stuffing my face. Isn’t it awful how old food habits pop up so quickly when we are weak? I have been eating toast like it is going out of style - just to have something to shove in my mouth. Something to pacify myself. I don’t even taste the bread or the jam that I glop on it. I just need to chew on something.

Again I thank all of you that left comments, sent e-mails and phoned. You reminded me that I am not alone in this type of mourning. thank you, thank you.

At 6:20 pm Saturday evening Admiral passed away. …

At 6:20 pm Saturday evening Admiral passed away.

It began with seizing that had him screaming in pain. I rushed him to the emergency vet who, after a quick examination, told me that he did, indeed have aggressive lymphoma. In two days it had spread to the lymph nodes under his front arms and hind legs. She was also able to appreciate a very large mass in his stomach.

We called the on call Canine Cancer person at Mississippi State, the experts in the Southeast, and were told that there was nothing to be done. He would most likely die from a heart attack or some other organ failure in order to compensate for his pain.

It was the worst and hardest decision I have ever made in my life, but I knew the humane thing to do would be to let the Admiral go in as pain free a way as possible.

I kept telling him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. And I watched as his eyes clouded over and I heard his last breath- a slow sigh. Immediately I was overwhelmed by guilt and grief. The vet began telling me these horrible stories of other dogs that had lymphoma and it just infuriated me. I didn’t want to hear it.

I have been up for most of the night freaking out. I just don’t know what to do with myself. If I think about Admiral, his face, his personality, his love, I just loose it. He had just turned 6 years old a month ago.

His brother, Charlie, has kept away from me. Mostly because of my crying. But I can’t help but think he has some sort of dog intuition telling him to stay away from me. That I am a dog killer.

And what really, really sucks is that in all of this GM is useless. I had to bring her to the vet since it was too late to get a sitter for her and because everything was so sudden and new she couldn’t retain any of it. She kept asking me why we where at the vet. And as he was lying on the table in pain she kept pushing him, trying to wake him up. But that just totally upset me.

I hate being alone with this grief. I hate that the only person that has hugged me has been the receptionist at the vet. I hate that I keep looking for him, listening for him. I am destroyed.

Photo Friday: Shameful Closet Item

The theme for this week was:

An article of clothing in your closet/dresser that you are ASHAMED is in there. And I know we all have some of those! A horrible checkered blouse? A ratty pair of 80’s stone wash carrot cut jeans? Show me your deepest darkest clothing secret!

I have a dress in my closet that I will never, ever get rid of. I bought it a thrift store when I was a junior in high school. My Mother HATED the dress (she called it my “waitress get-up”) so clearly when you Mother hates something you wear it all the time just to see that look on her face. Wait, is that just me?

Mother tried to toss it before I moved to New York for university, but I was on to her & she caved in. This was at the height of my theatrical flare and most of my clothes weren’t really clothes at all but costumes for various personalities that I trotted out.

I should have known that it wasn’t a good and proper dress when it ended up acting as my costume for not one, but four, Halloweens (I alternated between dressing as Lucille Ball & Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.). Two of those Halloweens are included for your viewing pleasure here and here.

I doubt I will ever wear the dress again, but like my darling original plaid boots, it was a big part of who I was. & Mother, in a very modern twist on the saga, actually bought me an adorable polka dotted Liz Claiborne summer dress. So when I am feeling spunky I reach for that.

Now it’s time for all you kiddies to fill up the pool with YOUR secret closet item.

Friday - the 13th IUI

This morning was my 13th IUI. Yes. 13th. Shut up. I know, already.

I woke up feeling like a team of midgets were playing pin-ball in my gut. Ah, I thought, that must be the gang getting ready to ovulate.

I drove the hour to the clinic thinking about Annie Lammot’s simple prayer: “please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please” etc. I’m not asking for mountains to be moved or for my ass to fit into size ten jeans (or, um, you know a 14 would be nice). I just want to get knocked up. Just like all of the teenagers that shop at my local Wal-Mart. Give me some of their fertile mojo & I promise I will not ask for much more.

When I got to the clinic at the exact time I was told to I was met by the blood/sperm/etc. tech. She told me that she was not thrilled with the sperm sample after it was thawed and given a regular bath. So would I mind waiting an hour so that she could do a “swim up” wash? (I swear that is what she called it.) She explained that the “swim up” wash would get rid of the dead sperm and the slackers and create “super fast & precise” sperm.

Um, sure, whatever. Wash those slackers right out of my sperm.

I used the hour to go across the street to the pharmacy to fill my official (not to be confused with black market) progesterone suppositories. I watched the hunky pharmacist mix the goop up and then he put them in these plastic contraptions that look a lot like those $2 water color paint sets. They are suspended in alcohol. Hmmm, interesting, as that is how I spent a good couple weekends once.

I dashed back to the clinic, waited a bit longer & then was called on back. Dr. Letterhead was going to be performing the task, which I was happy about. But then his students shuffled in behind him. All six of them. Mother fuckers! And they were 3rd years. So I was probably like the 4th vagina many of them had ever seen.

The “swim up” did wonders. (I am told.) Previously Churchill’s post wash count was 54 million with his motility graded a 2.5 out of 5. After the 2nd wash his count was 27 million with a motility grade of 5. That’s my boy! He just needed to loose the dead weight.

I had to sit (recline) through Dr. Letterhead’s explaining of my chart and a show & tell of a catheter and speculum. Then it was time for the free show. Gather ’round, young lads, & take a gander at today’s cooch. “Calliope, since she is so tall, needs a larger speculum. She also has a slightly tilted cervix…OH and look at all of her mucus.” (quick pat to my thigh to complement me)

Five minutes later & the deed was done. He then opened the floor for questions. Seriously. As I was trying to think blissful hippy inspired thoughts and visuals of Churchill taking randy advantage of all of my eggs, in the background was the slide show of my HSG, photos of follicles past and present, the number of donors I have gone through…sigh.

I start the gin & progesterone on Sunday morning and then next thursday is progesterone bloodwork. Then NEXT, next thursday is (get ready for it as it is a word that has never, ever, ever been typed on this blog before) a beta test. Great, a whole new form of depression to look forward to.

Oh! Take that back, that fart of pessimism, I didn’t mean it. I promise to be delightfully optimistic for as long as possible. I swear. I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!

I’ll have my photo up later today or 1st thing tomorrow. I know exactly what fabulous dress to feature. I can not believe how many times I wore it out & about. But I just can’t get rid of it. & for those of you that know me- all I have to say is, yes, it is the polka dot one.

Things to do when waiting to trigger…

After such an emotional day of highs and lows I am ready to wash my face and crawl into bed. But can I? Oh no, I have to wait around for another hour to give myself my trigger shot. (said with no animosity towards said trigger, just loathing the fact that I can’t be asleep already.)

In order to keep myself entertained I have applied a deep pore mud mask. (does anyone else get amused by such things?)

And look who has come to my rescue: The fantastic trio of ladies at Addition Problems.
Here are their interview questions for me.
1. What’s one thing you really miss about Hollywood?
Just one? That is very tough. Obviously I miss my friends and my freedom. And I miss ethnic restaurants and having a quasi expense account. & I SO miss dry air as opposed to humid air. But really those are things that I can still have in my life. (my friends are still hanging around- go figure!) I miss something that is no longer in Hollywood: Jack’s Sugar Shack. Jack’s was a bar that was located on Hollywood & Vine. Every night there was live music and the drinks were watered down and cheap. I used to be very into Rockabilly and you could see all of the old greats perform all of the time. Or if they weren’t performing they were at the bar telling stories. Now a fancy club (one that was featured in the re-do Ocean’s 11) occupies where Jack’s was. Now all of those old timers are hanging out at the Fr*lic Room.

2. What have you learned from taking care of your Grandmother that you hope to use in parenting?
I’m not sure if I could articulate some of the things I have learned because they are mostly changes within me, shifts, if you will. I’ve learned how to be slow and steady. I’ve learned that I am capable of making sacrifices. I have learned the value of a good routine. I have learned that in a crisis I am unflinching. But I think the biggest eye opener for me was when I realized that I can be very nurturing. So many times I worried that I would become the sort of harsh and loud parent that my Mother once was. My Mother resorted to violent punishments and a part of me has always worried that that sort of behavior was ingrained in me. I now know that it is not. Far from it. It is a huge relief.

3. How has Photo Friday affected your life?
Ha! I started photo friday as a way to connect to more people. Many times early on in my adventures in the blogosphere I felt very isolated and alone. Finding a creative outlet that was inclusive and expressive was a fantastic break up of the mundane. I think it allowed a couple of us to get to know each other on different & more playful levels. Plus it was a way to pause the vagina gazing for a moment & obsess about silly things like what everyone has in their fridge.

4. So how much was your purse worth with the super stash from Nurse P?
Priceless. (just over $1500)

5. What would you put in a time capsule to be opened in 150 years?
What an excellent question! Since I think my head would explode if I was responsible for finding things pertinent for everyone, I will narrow this to a time capsule left for my great, great grandchildren (that’s 150 years, right?). I would include all of the genealogy binders that GM spent decades compiling, a collection of family photos, quilts made by great aunts, scrapbooks that my Mother made, a box of jujubes, a recipe for green bean sauce, a bottle of port and a photograph of my plaid boots.

If any of you want to be interviews let me know. I will create questions of the silly nature for the first 5 people that ask for them.

Only thirty more minutes to go now!

Unexpected worry. UPDATED

Admiral is sick. It started a little over a week ago. I thought it was due to being overheated & that is when I gave him his muppet cut. But last night I took a good long look at him and realized that he was altogether not himself: lethargic, wheezing, and a very dry nose.

I almost ditched my ultra sound appointment this morning so that I could take him to the vet, but my clinic was able to see me early. I would have chosen Admiral over this entire ttc mess if I had to.

I was at the Vet (with GM) since 9:30am and would have waited longer, but I saw that GM was fading and I needed to get her home. I am to go back to the vet at 3 for more information.

Where we are now they are very concerned about two swollen lymph nodes in his throat. It could be anything from a mild infection (from a turtle bite he got months ago) or the c word. The vet spent twenty minutes preparing me for the c word as Admiral does not have a fever and so an infection is probably not the culprit. She even went into what kinds of chemo she would recommend. All the while I was sobbing with early grief.

I am beyond freaked out with worry and angst. I of course think that I am a bad pet haver for not taking Admiral in sooner. For not seeing his changes as something more serious than just summer heat related.

____________________________________
Updated:

I picked Admiral up from the vet’s at 2:30 and was given the break down of his blood work results. Unfortunately his blood count (is it the white cells?) wasn’t elevated enough to indicate an obvious infection. Horrible as it sounds, but I was so pulling for an obvious red-flag infection. The only thing that was elevated was his liver enzyme- but not by any sort of alarming rate.

The vet (who, while very nice, is not our vet. She is the stand in vet while our regular guy is treating horses in Alaska for a week.) tried to aspirate one of the swollen nodes and found puss - which she said could be a “very good sign of infection”. According to her, the way Scottish terriers are built (so compact) their nodes could enlarge before any sort of *something* would show up in blood work. & that if it was an infection we had certainly caught it early.

[bit of ease at the internal guilt I had going on.]

He was given a super max shot of antibiotics and will take an oral antibiotic twice a day for 6 days. On Monday he will go back to see our vet who is aces at aspirations (or so the vet assistants claim). It is possible that he may not even need a biopsy.

So for now I am to keep an eye on him and he is to be fed expensive wet food for a few days to build his appetite up. What is with every creature in my house loosing weight but me? First GM & now Admiral.

Admiral was over the moon in love with his lamb & rice stew that I put down for him and it just made me purr to see a bit of pep in the guy.

I guess we are at a wait & see. But maybe things won’t be the c word.

In other news- I had originally cancelled my friday IUI in a fit of guilt and panic at needing to be available for all things dog related. But now that there is a moment of calm I called the clinic back to tell them that I will be there on Friday.

They didn’t seem very surprised by that…

Tribute Tuesday, New Theme, New Poll

The next site in the rotation for Tribute Tuesday is Butch Baby Makin’. I got to know Kwynne on a message board site (ahem) and have been so excited to watch her and her partner, Pam, become Mommies. If you haven’t gone over to read their Birth Story of Leandre you should do that right now. Wait, first get yourself a nice hot beverage (or cold, it’s up to you) and then click over. & make sure you leave some warm fuzzies. Because, really, that is what Tribute Tuesday is all about.
_____________________________
I’m not going to fuss, because I know most of you have way more of a life than I do. But participation in Photo Friday was kind of quiet. Was it something I said? I will say that the photos that were submitted were very artistic and some moved me to tears. Take a dive in the photo pool to review the entries for the theme: opposition. Then come back here & vote for the photo that speaks to you. The photo with the most votes will determine who selects the theme for the following week.

__________________________________
I bet after my little fuss you are just dying to get out your camera and snap away. This week’s theme came about as a bit of a request from me. I have discovered that many of you like to take a peak inside the world of your fellow blog pals. (ok, maybe that is just me.) So I asked Sarah and BB, the winners of Tell a Story theme week, to think of something with a bit of a voyeur aspect. Here is what they came up with:

An article of clothing in your closet/dresser that you are ASHAMED is in there. And I know we all have some of those! A horrible checkered blouse? A ratty pair of 80’s stone wash carrot cut jeans? Show me your deepest darkest clothing secret!

Extra points if you can find someone or some way to model your item of clothing.
____________________________________

For the past week GM has been thinking about The _…

For the past week GM has been thinking about The ____s. The ____s were my GM & GF’s best friends. Paul ___ owned a local jewelry store and did magic tricks. Florence ___ was this fantastic chef that was always bringing over exotic foods for GM & GF to try. Together the foursome traveled all over the world, summered together, went to social events together and raised children together. Of all of GM’s friends Florence was the only one with a bit of Ya-Ya in her.

Four years ago, rather than move into a nursing home here, the ____s decided to move to a home in Mobile. Their three daughters all lived within an hour of the city and it made the most sense. GM & Florence were so sad to part, but they vowed to keep in touch. And they did, for a while. A monthly phone chat, a quick note with an amusing clipping from the local paper, an e-mail sent via me to one of the ___’s daughters.

Saturday morning GM asked if we could go visit the ___s. I said of course, but then realized that she didn’t remember that they had moved away. I suggested we call them first- I figured maybe talking to them would jar her memory. Maybe not recent ones, but even if she has a flash of remembering some of the great times she had with the ___s it would be worth the call.

I got the two cordless phones out (GM has gotten to the point where she is too afraid to be on the phone alone. This is, yet again, one of those bizarre flashbacks I have to my old job in L.A. where I had a boss that couldn’t make a phone call on his own either.). I dialed the number and one of the ____’s daughters answered. We had a quick girl squeal of hellos (the daughters were like the hip aunts I had always wanted) and then she put on her Mother & I put on GM.

It was painful to hear GM trying to connect the dots. I had to interject quite a few times to correct her or help her finish a sentence. But I could tell that it was a good reunion for the two. There is an emotional memory between them that is deeper than any illness could destroy. So even when GM was slurring her words a bit Florence was able to understand and respond.

This morning I had just gotten home from my adventures at the clinic** when the phone rang. Everyone that knows us knows not to call before noon so I figured it was a tele-marketer or the clinic. But it was Florence. Her husband, Paul, died last night. Just slipped into a sleep and then was gone. She sounded a bit robotic, which I understood. I knew she was making many of the same sort of calls. We cried a bit on the phone together and then I let her go.

And I know that Paul had lived a wonderful, full life. He was 88 so death was not a surprise. But the emotions that come with it can be. Because I associated Paul so much with my own GF it hurts in the same chord. And then it also brings up the around the corner fears I have about when GM’s time will be up. I am so worried about how to tell GM. She is pretty pragmatic when it comes to death for the most part. She reads the obituary first thing and often says, “Let’s see if any of my friends are dead today.”

But Paul’s death goes a bit beyond noting that someone you used to sit near in church had passed. If it is bringing up all of these emotions in me I can only imagine how deeply it will resonate through her.

Mother called me almost immediately after I got the call and she was freaked out to have me answer the phone in tears. She assumed that something had gone wrong at the clinic. But when I told her the news she also began to cry. And then I remembered something that the lady that took my blood this morning had said. She always asks about GM and I told her that we were starting to get serious about a move again. And the blood tech said, ‘Well maybe that is why God is taking his time with you.’ I don’t even know why, but repeating that to Mother made me cry all over again. It was like this combo sob of mourning for the death of someone dear and the sobs of my repeated pregnancy failures.

I know, I’m not making much sense at all. I’m just a bit on edge.

**Clinic Report: 6 follicles on my left ovary & 6 follicles on my right. Of the twelve 5 are at the tracking/viable point. I’ll get my E2#’s and further medication instructions after lunch.

THIS JUST IN: My E2# was 382. I have my next ultrasound on Wednesday & looks like IUI will be set for Friday.

Bus Ride

For The Scheherazade Project:
________________________________

Admiral is pissed off.

So um, my dog Admiral was getting a bit scruffy so I decided to give him a trim. I was getting tired of him bringing so much of the outdoors inside.

So I gave him a nice little bath & started to snip. An hour later I was still cutting! I just could not stop.

I’m totally going to hell- but I just turned my dog into a muppet.

(which of course I secretly adore!)

Here is his “before” photo:

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