Things started out pretty fucking great. I managed to remain in my dragonfly pj’s until nearly noon. There was even that fab purchase I made from Good V*brations. I was feeling well rested and happy about having nothing big to accomplish today.
I went in to GM’s office and turned on the ancient xerox machine we own exclusively so that we can copy and enlarge the crossword puzzle every day. Once the machine was on I noticed a flashing green light: low toner. A quick hunt turned up a full bottle of toner and I glanced at the directions on the bottle & actually thought, “looks easy!”
In the past my GM has always called this Mom & Pop office supply store when she needed her toner changed. For five bucks some part time university student would come over to the house & add the stuff to your machine. It seemed like a waste. Plus- I was smart. I totally understood the directions. All you had to do was remove the little plastic cap thingie & flip it over.
And then half a bottle of black toner falls out.
I guess I was lucky. 99% of the toner fell INTO the machine as opposed to on my GM’s green carpet.
But here is the thing about toner- it does NOT clean up easily. At all. I spent an hour and used up three rolls of bounty & there is still black powder. I need to get one of those little mini vacuums that you can use to clean out between the keys of your keyboard to finish the job. ugh. My poor dragonfly pj’s. I had to throw them away.
Oh- & guess what is really tons of fun after such a disaster? Blowing your nose. Chim Chiminy Chim Chim Cherooooooo…
The day got even more nuts. I took out the trash I created (double bagged) and heard the dogs going crazy at something in the back yard. It is primo chipmunk season so I have learned to tune out the average yip from the dogs. But something about today’s shriek type barks made me realize that whatever they had cornered was not average.
It was a ginourmous (I’m talking the size of a very, very large round platter) turtle.
Turtles are actually pretty common in my backyard as I do live in a lake house. But there is a fence that runs across the backyard that separates usable yard from about 1/2 acre of wild backyard. This turtle was INSIDE the fence. As in a couple of feet away from my front door.
How the hell this massive turtle got in my yard is a mystery. Having two Scottish terriers I know every inch of my fence as I am always on the lookout for holes they have dug.
Upon seeing the turtle I turned into such a prissy girl. ahhhhhhhh!!
I called Mom, who was little help a katrillion miles away in Florida – and seriously was not even helpful for moral support as she was still laughing her ass off over my toner nightmare.
I then called, (now you will see how serious I was) the Uncle. He was not in so I called a good friend that lives down the road. He, like a true Friend warrior, promised to be there in thirty minutes or less. He just had to take a shower. (a fact that now in restrospect cracks me up) We discussed a plan. He lamented that we did not live up north because then we could use a snow shovel. I offered that I had just a regular old shovel & we agreed that that would be the tool for turtle extraction.
About three minutes after I got off the phone with him I had an awesome girl power moment. I could get that turtle and set it free. So maybe I couldn’t add toner to a xerox machine, but how hard could loading a turtle on a shovel be?
Go ahead & get that picture why don’t you.
I spent five minutes shrieking like such a baby trying to put the turtle on the business end of the shovel. I was so nervous that I would hurt her soft belly or that, in defense, she would lob off my big toes.
Luckily (because Lucy always, always has a luckily) I heard voices from the carport of my next door neighbors. Like a mad woman I ran over, shovel in hand, humidity induced sweat pouring down my face, “Can you come get this TURTLE????”
The voices belonged to the college student son and friend of my neighbors and they were so game they came running across the yard as if there was real, mortal danger.
One of them used the shovel to flip the turtle over and then he carried it, bowl side down, in both of his hands. Oh, so that’s how you do it. They were so macho at first and then they immediately started flying their geek flags by telling me exactly what type of turtle she was and guessing her age. They asked if they could have the turtle and swore that they would take care of her. So I let them. Which I now feel guilty of. She wasn’t mine to begin with. She belonged to the lake.
But as wrong as it is to admit, I am going to pull a Scarlet and think about that another day.
Shit, it is only 2:30pm. What else is going to go crazy today??
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Our stars and planets are sharing alignment, Red. Does this mean I have to be Ethel?
Love the story. See? There is comedy in everything.
XOXO
Once I tried to load a baby snapping turtle onto a shovel. She was fiesty; and, my, could she jump!
It sounds so easy when you’re planning it. Turtle on shovel. Return turtle to her home. But that first step is HARD! And mine was just a baby (in my defense, though, she was pretty snappy). We did end up sort of herding her over back off the road, though.
Toner is powder? I never knew:)
I, too, know how hard toner is to get out of things. Sigh…
Cool turtle story! I’ll never forget a teacher friend of mine in NC telling me a hysterical story about seeing a snake in her yard, screaming at the top of her lungs, and having her husband–who had been in the shower–run outside “buck nekk-ed” with his shotgun in hand. (She was screaming so loudly and frantically that he thought she was being attacked or something.) Anyway, the notion of your neighbors running to save the day reminded me of that story. BTW, my teacher friend’s husband was annoyed when he realized she’d just been screaming because there was a snake. It wasn’t very near her or bothering her, even.
Having had pet turtles as a kid, you should be able to pick them up (one finger on each edge of the shell – like this -0- with your fingers where the dashes are. I don’t approve of how your neighbors did it – imagine being carried upside-down!
Sounds like quite a day. That toner mishap sounds like exactly something that would happen to me. Turtles in the backyard, not so much. Sorry to hear about your pyjamas, I hope you can find an adequate subsistute.
I wish you’d taken a picture of the turtle and posted it!! I’d think it was pretty cool to find a big turtle in my back yard (not likely in Montana!)
Crazy day…