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The Groups
Sperm Mate + Poll + Theme
When it comes to men I have eras of being extremely picky and times when I was pretty foolish. I will confess that I have never been in adult love. I have been infatuated, obsessed, turned on, & hopeful - but never the full on deal. I’ve never been swept off my feet. A few have tried, but I’m a big gal & it isn’t so easy to hoist me up. I am an Amazon female in all senses. Not only do I walk the earth six feet above the ground, not only do I have feet bigger than the average man, not only are my jeans larger than most men that I have dated, but I am loud, outspoken, opinionated. I was raised a feminist by a feminist and the man that will be my partner will be just that: a partner. Co in everything. I am only submissive when I want to be.
My dating resume includes, but is not limited to:
1) Making out with anonymous boys in the church parking lot
2) Making out with anonymous boys on road trips
3) Having awful crushes on ugly boys
4) Having intense crushes on gay boys
5) Having an affair with a woman
6) Having sex at the Turkish Bath house
7) Dating a semi-famous musician 
On-line dating
9) Googling an ex, contacting ex, having sex with ex
10) Things too embarrassing to mention
So to put it mildly- I am a bit of a dating disaster. When I had a great (but abused) body I lacked the self esteem to go on the prowl. Now I have self esteem but lack the body. But I still consider myself a sexual being. Even though it has been two years since I last had sex. (awful on-line dating disaster) I wish with all of my might that I was in a happy, healthy relationship. But I have this vague notion of the kind of love I want & it isn’t something you troll a bar for. It isn’t something that you rush.
I know you are wondering what all of this has to do with how I select a sperm donor, but I get so many e-mails from polite strangers asking why I have given up on men. Why I would want to start a family alone. Well I don’t. But I am, if nothing else, basically pragmatic. For all of my lofty ideas & silly talk - I am, to the core - realistic. The reality is that I don’t know where my mate is. I don’t know when I will find that person. I’m ready to have a family now.
I have used three different donors & am currently looking for lucky number four.
I started looking online for donors about two years ago. I approached it almost in the exact same way that I approached on-line dating. I went strictly by the notes in the staff impressions. If it was noted that the donor was attractive or had a specific attractive feature I wrote down his profile number. That first round I had a list of ten. From there I started weeding out by ethnic background. I am Irish, English & German & that first round it was very important to have a donor with that makeup. I figured if anything I would be able to paint a background of the donor that emulated mine. There was some sort of odd security in that.
So of the ten three made the 2nd cut. Then it was time to be very, very picky. I wanted a donor with my eye color, I wanted a donor with some height. In a sense - I wanted me.
In the end I wasn’t able to get the donor I first wanted. So I went with my second choice and convinced myself I was really excited about it. He didn’t have blue eyes, but he had red hair! I would have a red headed child for sure. & in his baby picture he looked just like GM!
Well donor #1 didn’t pan out. Three cycles later & I was ready to move on. & to be honest I never felt that enthused about him.
The selection for donor #2 was a lot easier. I maneuvered through the donor search engines with amazing speed. Give me height, give me blue eyes. No whammies! Immediately a donor attracted my attention & it was the first time I paid any attention to things other than physical characteristics. (shame, shame on me.) He had a science background but also expressed interest in the arts. His donor essay was clever and funny and he wrote well about his family. His baby picture was adorable & he got nicknamed Leif. Leif had rock-star numbers. Each IUI day the sperm techs would comment on how amazing his count was. I had a lot of faith in Leif. So much so that I used him for tries 4 through 8. Ironically the musician for which he was nicknamed after had a falling from grace around the same time as my affections with the donor waned.
Finding donor #3 was emotional. One of my best friends, after much soul searching, had offered to be my donor. This would have been my ideal. It was something that R. & I had joked about at University all the time. We fantasized sharing a townhouse in Park Slope. He would live on the first floor & I on the second. He would be free to date any boy he wished & I would be free to date anybody that offered. We would eventually use a doctor to have kids and raise them to be the most wonderful peace, love & harmony babies you could ever imagine. We were going to be Will & Grace before NBC had ever heard of them.
Unfortunately the dream of having R. be my donor ended with his HIV diagnosis several years ago. R was always stoic about how the disease had changed his life. But he mourned Fatherhood deeply. When I was just thinking about getting a new donor R called me with insane excitement. He had met a doctor that promised he could “wash the HIV from his sperm”. I was wary, but I will admit that my heart fluttered at the idea. I even called my RE to inquire about the process. (My poor RE who tries so hard to handle my outspoken ways had an audible gasp when I asked about the HIV wash.) Turns out such a wash is considered illegal in the states. It is only currently being performed in France but exclusively for straight, married couples. I then got the speech about how Gay Men were not allowed to be donors unless they were celibate. yadda, yadda, yadda
Breaking the news to R was devastating. But I know that it was the right thing. Even if we had been able to wash his sperm I don’t think I would have been ok with subjecting R to the emotional anguish of each new cycle. It is hard for me, a healthy woman, it would be cruel for him.
It was with R in mind that I went in search of donor #3. Instead of looking for someone like me I restarted my search looking for someone like him. R is of nordic decent with dimples and thick blonde hair. He also has an insane obsession with Game Shows. I found a donor that matched him physically & then almost peed in my pants when I read in his donor essay about how he was on the same game show that R was on when he was a child.
So #3 was a tribute donor. R and I nicknamed him Guy Smiley and talked about the future kid’s life of cash and prizes.
But I lost my love for Guy after his counts were consistently sub par. I felt that I had picked him for the wrong reasons. It would have been great if it worked, but each time it didn’t I questioned why I was using him.
Now I am on a quest for #4. I am employing all new search criteria. In other words I am going to look at the whole package. But first - I will only look at donors with my blood type. I know that may have nothing to do with compatibility: people with different blood types fuck & have babies every day. But I need to have something different to give me renewed hope. I’m also going to ease up on the height standards. Hell, I’ve got enough height to hook the kid up if it wants to be a super model or basketball champ.
One thing I find myself being adamant on is blue eyes. This is where my true narcissism shines. For my entire life I have gotten complements on my eyes. They are the exact same shade as my Grandfather’s. There was always something about being able to see myself in them & him in me. I really want that with my kid. I want her to be able to see herself in me so that there is no doubt that we belong together.
I have three donors in mind & I will decide within the week who the lucky champ will be. I need to look closely for that special ingredient that shines. The thing that whispers to me, “This is what the Universe was waiting for.”
& yes, I am quite guilty of romanticizing my sperm donors. Not in a pervy way. & not in a way that I imagine us together.
It is much like how I hope for a soul mate. I am also hoping for a sperm mate. The charmed one that will have all the right ingredients to help me create my child.
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Next week’s theme will be: reflections - could be literal reflections in mirrors or puddles or ponds or metaphoric - a photo that reflects on something
This theme is courtesy of last week’s winner, Art-Sweet.
Comments
7 Responses to “Sperm Mate + Poll + Theme”
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Good luck, Calliope! Picking a donor is such a wierd, hard, alechemical experience. I can barely imagine having to do it twice, much less 4 times.
(I torture myself imagining doing it twice because I used more than half of what we bought when TTC Noah, and we want to have a second one eventually.)
Reading your dating history I think we were separated at birth. Good luck with whichever donor you choose. Half the DNA is yours so your child will be lucky.
I don’t mean to sound doofusy but you’re choosing from a particular sperm bank, yes?
I’ll just throw out that there’s another, radical way to approach choosing a donor: look first at effectiveness. You CAN get a bank to give you some information about how many pregnancies a donor has achieved and how quickly, if you’re persistent. A lot of women get to this point and then do get pregnant once they start using the overachiever sperm. It worked for us. Just a thought…
I like the idea of Jen’s “overachiever” sperm ;o)
It must be so hard to choose the “perfect” sperm mate; in the UK we have such horrendous sperm donor shortages at the moment (due to changes in the law removing donor anonymnity), that there is no choice. At all. Not ideal, but it certainly takes away the stress of choosing.
Hey girl–you have been through quite a journey! Who knew boys could give you so much trouble when you don’t even have to be involved with them!
i know you’ll find the right guy. Don’t give yourself a hard time about the things you want to stick to, either. i’ll be wishing you the best in your search. xoxo
Hello, I spent two months choosing a sperm donor from US banks. But once I’d made the decision I was stuck with ten vials (because I had to import them to London - incredibly costly). His counts have been quite low once he is prepped, which is disappointing.
Good luck in your choice. I found it quite exhausting. But in tne end I selected someone who sounded bright, curious and as if he would definitely be willing to be known (that was the most important feature for me).
Are you choosing an identiy release donor or not?