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Shrink Wrapped
Yes, I know it is Halloween & I should be writing something seasonally appropriate. But screw that. Halloween is really just the thing that causes me to pause the TiVo so I can answer the door & begrudgingly pass out candy that I wish I was eating.
If you are into the holiday - I salute you. Somebody should be. I won’t give you shit about dressing up like a hooker or Hillary Clinton if you don’t give me shit about my Easter Bunny obsession. We cool?
Now what I really want to vent about is my boiling fear of finally sitting down with a shrink on Wednesday. I went to see the movie Prime this weekend (enjoyed it!). I figured it would calm my mind and quiet my nerves. But as the day looms near I am all kinds of agitated.
Not to mention I am feeling PMS like nobody’s business! It is so weird that all those months I was waiting to see if I was pregnant I must have had PMS but it managed to manifest itself as “possible pregnancy symptoms”. & this month, a month that I was on break (ergo no possibility of pregnancy) I am not only aware of PMS but it is like the worst EVER!
Seriously, this morning I woke up & thought if I don’t hide the bags of candy I will consume them all before 9am. I satiated myself (is satiated a word?) with a bowl of peppermint icec ream & then (MISTAKE!) turned on CNN. There I watched in horror as the ‘prez’ nominated the whitest white conservative male for Supreme Court justice. The image of that, inter-spliced with the sad images of Rosa Parks in state just pushed me over the edge. Mom found me bawling in the den and I think I freaked her out a bit.
So wednesday. Shrinkage.
Fuck.
I know that I need this. I need to be able to vent and work things out. I need a safe place to grieve for all of the failed cycles. A place to process how fucked up my body is. A place to verify that I am making the right choice.
But what I am truly scared of is what if she doesn’t like me?
I have this horrible, nasty social habit: I am an overacheiver when it comes to a 1st impression.
I am the funniest, cutest, zaniest, wittiest person you have ever met. When you first meet me that is. I recognize that sounds incredibly vain, but you can poll my friends. Or better yet - poll their family. I do good family.
Usually I can maintain this front for quite a while. But the people that have known me longest know that it is a mask. In reality I am funny and sarcastic, but I am also sad and vulnerable. But this front is learned behavior. Something I mastered as a very young girl as Mom moved us around the country every year. I HAD to make insta friends or I was a wreck.
So how long do I keep the front going with the shrink? Part of me wants to write some sort of written disclaimer: You may find me amusing today, but it is all an act & I am just trying to please you.
How do you get to the nitty gritty?
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7 Responses to “Shrink Wrapped”
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Hmmm, this is a very good question. I have a similar problem as you. A need to be funny and charming and cool when really I am falling apart behind the facade. I am notorious for going to therapy and when the therapist asks me how I am (you know, the thing I’m paying her to do) replying, “Oh fine, how are you? How was your weekend?” Yikes. I’m getting better though.
I like to think that most therapists, if they’re good, can see through the masks we wear, and have ways to get past them as well as the patience and wisdom to know that sometimes it takes a while.
But, gosh darn it, I really don’t want ANYONE, not even my therapist, to think I’m f’d up and pathetic. That’s just depressing. And that’s ironic, cause I go to see the therapist FOR depression…
Some days, I wish I did have someone (other than Trish) to talk to about some stuff. It’s sometimes a good thing to have someone new to bounce thoughts off of, especially if that someone is a “professional”.
That’s hard to figure out. I’m a big “pleaser” as well, but I agree with Trista, hopefull she’ll be able to see through to the “real” you.
Just let it all hang out! Forget that you want to impress them and let the real you out. It will only hurt a little hahaha! Good luck.
I think shrinks are used to people putting on fronts the first few times around. Don’t worry about her liking you or not; it’s just a job for them. And your job in this is to pour it all out. Don’t overanalyze it; that’s the shrink’s job. Does this make any sense?
And yeah, the Scotus choice actually nauseated me. I hope they shoot him down. Screw the accusations of a vast left-wing conspiracy. (Hey, did you see the nut who posted on my blog? I checked out his - SCARY!)
Anyway. The more relaxed with the shrink you are, the better it will go. I’m surprised they don’t encourage people to have a drink beforehand; think of it as a conversation, not a job interview. The nice lady or man is there to help.
I think you shouldn’t put any pressure on yourself to be one thing or another. The shrink will just do their thing, remember they talk to loads of people, I bet they get to see all kinds of masks. Just be whoever you feel like being. There’s no time limit. And they are there to help you.
And you ARE witty and funny and caring and all those things.
It’s a shrink’s job to see through you, no matter what you do. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. Act like you normally would, until you are comfortable enough to act different. Remember, this is about YOU and making YOU feel better, not about making him/her happy.